Get Your Pitch On - Workshop for FAKE

Here is the Pitch On Workshop submission for FAKE J

If you want to see the other blogs hosting workshops, click here!

I’m taking a page out of the wonderful Falling for Fiction ladies and editing with my comments in another color!

Name: Beck Nicholas
Country of residence: Australia
Title: FAKE
Genre: Contemporary
Word-count: 72000
Pitch: When the new girl, Lana, publicly steals 16-year-old Kath’s dream date, she's humiliated. She plots revenge with her best friend, seducing Lana with a fake online guy. Everything’s going to plan until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian. When Lana goes missing, supposedly with her new boyfriend, Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister. Kath has the answers, but the truth could lose her everything.

So, here are my thoughts in this beige-y color.

If Kath is your main character, I would rearrange the first sentence. 

Sixteen year-old Kath (last name) is publicly humiliated when her dream date gets stolen by the new girl, Lana.When the new girl, Lana, publicly steals 16-year-old Kath’s dream date, she's humiliated. To get revenge, Kath and her best friend She plots revenge with her best friend, seduce Lana with a fake online guy. (I thought this made it flow a little better).  Everything ‘s going according to plan (This is kind of a cliché.)  Their plan works – until   until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian  - and Lana goes missing. When Lana goes missing, Supposedly with her new boyfriend. Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister(you set the stakes here, which is nice BUT I would like to know more about what “messing with” means.  Does Sebastian know that his sister’s boyfriend is fake? Was he suspicious of said boy from the get-go?), and Kath has the answers. But the truth could lose her everything(I get what you’re trying to say here, but I don’t know if that’s actually a phrase).  But if she chooses to tell the truth, she may lose everything.  ( I re-worded it to make her dilemma a little clearer.)

Overall, I LOVE this pitch!  I think your story sounds fascinating, and I really want to read more :)  I think it just needs a little bit more about Sebastian’s motivations, because I’m not sure if he’s just being a protective big brother, or if he knows that Lana’s boyfriend is a fake.  This could also help ramp up the stakes!  Also, are there other consequences to her telling the truth besides losing Sebastian?  And is Lana’s disappearance more sinister than this pitch makes it sound?  I’m not sure if she just popped over for an imaginary day-trip, or if she got kidnapped, etc.

And, as always, my suggestions are completely subjective!  You can change as much or as little as you want!

Here is my re-worked pitch:

Sixteen year-old Kath (last name) is publicly humiliated when her dream date gets stolen by the new girl, Lana.  To get revenge, Kath and her best friend seduce Lana with a fake online guy.  Their plan works – until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian – and Lana goes missing.  Supposedly with her new boyfriend.  Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister, and Kath has the answers.  But if she chooses to tell the truth, she may lose everything.