Get Your Pitch On - Workshop for THE AWAKENING

Here's my workshop for Vicki Orians' THE AWAKENING

Un-marked version:

After witnessing her best friend’s death, sixteen-year-old Anna Talbot is kidnapped and sent to another world where dark, fairytale creatures roam free and people with freaky abilities claim to be part of her past – like her brother or her gorgeous best friend.  

When learning the truth, Anna discovers she alone holds the key to finding the one with the powers to stop her own uncle from destroying everything – if he doesn’t get to her first.

My thoughts, still in this beigy-color.

After witnessing her best friend’s death, sixteen-year-old Anna Talbot (woohoo age and name!) is kidnapped and sent to another world. where A world where dark, fairytale creatures roam free and people with freaky abilities claim to be part of her past – like her brother or her gorgeous best friend (This was one long sentence, so I tried to split it up as best as I could.  I'm sure you can make it sound better!  Also, is the best friend she meets in the new world the same best friend that just died?!?).  

I'm kind of confused by the last part of this paragraph.  Did she know these people with freaky abilities before she crossed over?  I assume so, since it's her brother and best friend, BUT from the way it's worded, it sounds like she's just met them when she crosses into that world.

When learning the truth (learning the truth about what? the world? the people with abilities?  the gorgeous best friend?), Anna discovers she alone holds the key to finding the one with the powers to stop her own uncle from destroying everything – if he doesn’t get to her first (ok, I get what you're saying here but the wording is kind of confusing.  For example, I don't know if the uncle is trying to get to Anna first or the "one" with the powers who can defeat him.  And I'm also wondering why she holds the key.  What's the key?).

My re-worked version:

After witnessing her best friend's death, sixteen year-old Anna Talbot is kidnapped and sent to another world.  A world where dark fairytale creatures roam free and people with freaky abilities claim to be part of her past - like her brother or her gorgeous best friend.  The same best friend who just died (if they are the same person...like I said, I was confused!).

While navigating this strange new world, Anna discovers that only she can find the (insert name of one-with-powers here - like if your story has a name for them like "The War-Winner" or something) because (insert why she can do this).  If she's unable to find the (one with the powers) in time, her uncle (does her uncle have a title?  If he's not mentioned earlier, this might be an unnecessary detail.  Calling him "The Bad King" or whatever his title is could be just as effective) may destroy everything.

Random thoughts:

I think the story you have sounds quite intriguing, and I love YA Paranormal, so I would definitely read this!  That said, questions abound!  Did her brother die, too, and is that why he's in this world?  What are the fairytale creatures?  Like actual fairy tales?  Or do you mean ogres and trolls and whatnot?  'Cause if you mean the latter, I would just say "monsters" or "ogres" - the way it reads now, I'm expecting to run into an evil Red Riding Hood, or something like that.  

Finally, don't be afraid to un-vague things up!  Throw more details in there, and watch the lengthy sentences, because that can get confusing to the readers.

I do love this, though!  All of my comments are purely my opinions, so feel free to use as little or as many of my suggestions as you like!  I'd be happy to look at your re-worked pitch!

Good luck to you :)