So, at the behest of my CP, I've decided to throw my tentative query and first 150 words out there for the world to see. Word of warning, my story is still very much a WIP, so the query won't be as solid as I want it to be.
The first 150 words, though, should be on target :)
Alex Brown
ASTRAL
Science-Fiction Adventure with Paranormal Elements (that's a mouthful haha)
70,000 (a made-up number/my target)
Query:
Two months ago Bastian Reynolds watched his girlfriend, Sora Walton, die in an explosion during a mission gone wrong. Today, Bastian's on another mission: He's searching through a crowded marketplace, trying to find a bomb that will detonate in five minutes. If he can't disarm it in time, he'll be framed for the whole thing, easily becoming the most hated person in both 'verses. Unfortunately, as soon as he finds it, he's distracted by the sight of his not-so-dead-girlfriend, who doesn't seem to recognize him. The Mark on her arm gives him the light bulb moment he needs: She's the other universe's version of Sora. And she's kind of see-through at the moment.
Sora Walton has her own countdown to contend with. She's killed the same boy in her dreams for the past year, and recently received her two months notice. While she's getting a glimpse of a future Incident, Sora find the boy of her dreams - and wonders if she's living in a nightmare. She should stay away from him, but she is determined to discover why she's dreamt of his demise for so long - and how he really knows her name.
Bastian and Sora become uneasy allies as they try to discover why he was framed, what really happened to his dead girlfriend, and why a group named The Militia never seems to leave them alone. If they can't put all the pieces together in time, the 'verses they know might not exist for much longer.
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First 150 words!
An extremely sweaty overweight guy is glued to my side. This is why I hate crowds.
There are easily five hundred people from both 'verses in Ryland Market today. I'm tempted to just stop somewhere and start yelling. If I make enough noise or freak enough people out, they might leave. Or stampede.
One look at the large guy next to me and I decide against yelling. I don't want to end up on the wrong side of his feet. Instead I put all my power into my arms and propel myself forward, finally breaking the disgusting sweat-seal that started to form between me and the Hawaiian-shirt wearing shopper.
I wipe my arms on my pants as I continue to scan the crowd. I have less than five minutes before the bomb goes off, and -
Do you always have to be so melodramatic Reese's words intrude on my thoughts.
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Right. So. I hope the query kind of makes sense. Like I said before, it's not done yet, so I really only focused on the first few pages for the query and sort of tossed in the Big Bads at the end, for lack of a better place to put them.
Any feedback would be super helpful! Thanks again everyone :)
Hi! I just want to say that I love the idea of dual universes where people can obviously travel from one to the other. VERY cool. Now, onto the critique:
ReplyDeleteI thought you started out strong, but this line really threw me: If he can't disarm it in time, he'll be framed for the whole thing, easily becoming the most hated person in both 'verses.
I had no idea (at that point) what both 'verses was. In this instance, I'd spell out universes. Also, it's mentioned that there is two universes so casually that it's almost too casual. I felt like it needed to be touched on just a little more. Maybe something like: Easily becoming the most hated person in both his universe and the 'verse it was joined to.
Also: If they can't put all the pieces together in time, the 'verses they know might not exist for much longer.
I didn't see the tie in between the things they were trying to put together and the demise of both their universes. I think that needs to be stated more clearly, but I know this is just a practice query.
I thought you did a great job in getting the voice in your query (something I utterly failed at. sigh) And the first 150 is awesome. The only thing I'd change in the 150 is this line:
An extremely sweaty overweight guy is glued to my side.
It felt like it had too much going on. Too many adjectives or something. Maybe you could try:
"An obese man is glued to my side with sweat."
Anyway, hope that helps. I'd love it if you'd stop by my blog and take a look at mine. I need all the help I can get. haha. Thanks!! Good luck with GUTGAA!
Aww thank you for the feedback! I know I need to change my opening line, but I'm too stubborn to let it go haha :)
DeleteAlso, I will keep your suggestions in mind for when I make my real query! Your feedback about my terminology in the query was super helpful!
great query, certainly draws me in...
ReplyDeletethank you!
DeleteI think I want to leave commenting on this to more experienced hands (when I finish reading we can work on this together). Overall though, it is leaps and bounds better than the first hundred drafts of my query, so you're on the right track.
ReplyDeleteYour first 150 still rock my world. I love Bastian and Reese, but you know this. :)
Woohoo! Glad you approve! I can't wait till this thing is done, so we can discuss crazy-scary things like queries :)
DeleteAnd I'm glad my first 150 still rock your world! I've got some (hopefully) funny Bastian/Reese stuff coming your way soon - is it weird that I just want to have conversations with them in real life?!?
Query:
ReplyDeleteTwo months ago Bastian Reynolds watched his girlfriend, Sora Walton, die in an explosion during a mission gone wrong. Today, Bastian's on another mission: FINDING a bomb that will BLOW UP A CROWDED MARKETPLACE in five minutes. If he can't disarm it in time, he'll be framed <--THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, SINCE YOU LATER SAY HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHY HE'S FRAMED. SO UNTIL HE FAILS AND GETS FRAMED, HE SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT. QUERYING IS A LOT LIKE WRITING A STORY IN SHORTHAND. YOU CAN'T BREAK STORY RULES HERE EITHER, SINCE YOU'RE EXPECTED TO PROVE YOUR CREATIVE WRITING SKILL. SO THIS SENTENCE SHOULD BE CUT.for the whole thing, easily becoming the most hated person in both 'verses. AS soon as he finds it, HOWEVER, he's distracted by the sight OF THE OTHER UNIVERSE'S VERSION OF SORA. THE BOMB DETONATES AS A RESULT AND HE'S FRAMED FOR THE CRIME.
Sora Walton has her own countdown to contend with. She's killed the same boy in her dreams for the past year, and recently received her two months notice. While she's getting a glimpse of a future Incident, Sora find the boy of her dreams - and wonders if she's living in a nightmare. She should stay away from him, but she is determined to discover why she's dreamt of his demise for so long - and how he really knows her name. I'D CUT THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH, SINCE THE POV SHIFT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. REMEMBER, YOU HAVE ONE PAGE IN WHICH TO CATCH THE AGENT'S EYE. YOU CAN'T WASTE A THIRD OF IT SETTING UP ANOTHER STORY-LINE. PICK ONE AND STAY WITH IT. THAT WAY YOU CAN BUILD UP BY STATING THE GOAL, CONFLICT AND STAKES.
Bastian and Sora become uneasy allies TO discover why he was framed, what really happened to his dead girlfriend, and why a group named The Militia never seems to leave them alone. <--- OKAY THIS IS A GREAT CLARIFICATION OF THEIR GOALS. WHAT'S KEEPING THEM FROM ACHIEVING THEM? THAT'S THE CONFLICT(S). If they can't put all the pieces together in time, the 'verses they know might not exist for much longer. <-- EXCELLENT STAKES!
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First 150 words!
An extremely sweaty overweight guy is glued to my side. I hate crowds. <-- MAKES IT LESS TELL-Y
There are easily five hundred people from both 'verses in Ryland Market today. I'm tempted to just stop somewhere and start yelling. If I make enough noise or freak enough people out, they might leave. Or stampede.
One look at the large guy next to me and I decide against THIS OPTION. I don't want to end up on the wrong side of his feet. Instead I put all my power into my arms and propel myself forward, finally breaking the disgusting sweat-seal that started to form between me and the Hawaiian-shirt wearing shopper.
I wipe my arms on my pants I THINK THAT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE IF HE'S STANDING. as I continue to scan the crowd. I have less than five minutes before the bomb goes off, and -
Do you always have to be so melodramatic? Reese's words intrude on my thoughts.
GREAT SAMPLE. IT HAS ME INTRIGUED. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE'LL FAIL.
Sounds like a great story! I hope my query crit is useful. Good luck with finishing your story. :-)
Hey Misha!
DeleteYour crit is very, very helpful!
I included Sora's paragraph because it's told from both of their POVs :) But I'm going to think about how to frame that better...
Also, you pointed out something that I definitely need to fix in my query - Bastian goes to the marketplace knowing that he'll be framed if he fails, which is why he's so determined to stop it - but if that's awkward/unclear I need to re-word it!
You've definitely given me a lot to think about! Thank you so much for the critique (and for the luck finishing the story!)
:)
I have read successful query letters with two POV's. This is accomplished if you can quickly show the 2nd POV by pushing right back to the 1st POV. In other words, tie the two together in a creative way. How do you do that? I'm not for sure! LOL
ReplyDeleteMy query has two characters POV, but I don't think I've done mine right either. I've had it mentioned a couple times during the critiquing.
Nice to meet you through GUTGAA!
Hmm yeah that's the tricky part that I have yet to figure out...I'll hop over and see how yours looks!
DeleteHi, popping over from GUTGAA! The query is off to a good start because you've got nice voice and overall a good flow. It is a tad confusing, but I know you said you're working on it. I would try an opening that gets right to the immediate issue, and not have your first sentence summarize the past. Something along the lines of: Bastian's about to be framed for a bombing. It all started two months ago when...
ReplyDeleteAlso, explain the alternate universes just a bit. And, I didn't get why Sora was see-through and if this even needed to be mentioned in the query (if so, we need to know what it means).
The excerpt is nice - just need a question mark after Reese's thought. Very strong! Good luck!
thanks for the input! Sora being see-through does need to be mentioned in the query, I just have to come up with a better way to put it haha
DeleteAnd I'm not sure where the question mark went at the end of Reese's sentence haha thanks for pointing it out :)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThe guery is good. I was hooked from the first word. Intriguing story. Good luck!
Thank you!
DeleteIt's never too early to start working on the query. ;)
ReplyDeleteTwo months ago Bastian Reynolds watched his girlfriend, Sora Walton, die in an explosion during a mission gone wrong. QUERIES ARE IN PRESENT TENSE, AS I CAN SEE YOU KNOW FROM THE REST OF THE QUERY. I'D SUGGEST REPHRASING THIS TO "TWO MONTHS AFTER . . . " Today, Bastian's on another mission: He's searching through a crowded marketplace, trying to find a bomb that will detonate in five minutes. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT BASTIAN DOES, WHY HE'S THE ONE LOOKING FOR THE BOMB. If he can't disarm it in time, he'll be framed for the whole thing, easily becoming the most hated person in both 'verses. SUGGEST USING "UNIVERSES" THE FIRST TIME, JUST FOR CLARITY. Unfortunately, as soon as he finds it, I'D CUT THE FIRST PART OF THIS SENTENCE. IT MAKES HIM SEEM A BIT FLIGHTY TO ME. I'M SURE THAT'S BETTER SUPPORTED IN THE ACTUAL STORY, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT IT IN THE QUERY. he's distracted by the sight of his not-so-dead-girlfriend, who doesn't seem to recognize him. The Mark on her arm gives him the light bulb moment he needs: She's the other universe's version of Sora. And she's kind of see-through at the moment.
Sora Walton has her own countdown to contend with. She's killed the same boy in her dreams for the past year, and recently received her two months notice. While she's getting a glimpse of a future Incident, Sora find the boy of her dreams - and wonders if she's living in a nightmare. She should stay away from him, but she is determined to discover why she's dreamt of his demise for so long - and how he really knows her name.
Bastian and Sora become uneasy allies as they try to discover why he was framed, what really happened to his dead girlfriend, and why a group named The Militia never seems to leave them alone. If they can't put all the pieces together in time, the 'verses they know might not exist for much longer.
INTERESTING CONCEPT. I'D SUGGEST TRYING TO FOCUS ON JUST ONE MAIN CHARACTER. THEN GIVE A LITTLE MORE BACKGROUND ABOUT BASTIAN AND WHY HE'S THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO DEFUSE THE BOMB.
FOR THE EXCERPT, IS THERE A REASON WHY THEY HAVEN'T EVACUATED THE MARKET? BECAUSE THAT'S USUALLY THE FIRST THING THE BOMB SQUAD DOES IRL.
Thank you for the crit! I've re-arranged some parts of the query, so hopefully it's more solid now :)
DeleteAnd they haven't evacuated the marketplace because no one is aware that the whole thing is about to happen...besides Bastian, and Sora, who's not-really-there. (that was my super-vague answer haha)