Monday, October 1, 2012

Get Your Pitch On - Workshop for FAKE


Here is the Pitch On Workshop submission for FAKE J

If you want to see the other blogs hosting workshops, click here!

I’m taking a page out of the wonderful Falling for Fiction ladies and editing with my comments in another color!

Name: Beck Nicholas
Country of residence: Australia
Title: FAKE
Genre: Contemporary
Word-count: 72000
Pitch: When the new girl, Lana, publicly steals 16-year-old Kath’s dream date, she's humiliated. She plots revenge with her best friend, seducing Lana with a fake online guy. Everything’s going to plan until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian. When Lana goes missing, supposedly with her new boyfriend, Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister. Kath has the answers, but the truth could lose her everything.

So, here are my thoughts in this beige-y color.

If Kath is your main character, I would rearrange the first sentence. 

Sixteen year-old Kath (last name) is publicly humiliated when her dream date gets stolen by the new girl, Lana.When the new girl, Lana, publicly steals 16-year-old Kath’s dream date, she's humiliated. To get revenge, Kath and her best friend She plots revenge with her best friend, seduce Lana with a fake online guy. (I thought this made it flow a little better).  Everything ‘s going according to plan (This is kind of a cliché.)  Their plan works – until   until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian  - and Lana goes missing. When Lana goes missing, Supposedly with her new boyfriend. Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister(you set the stakes here, which is nice BUT I would like to know more about what “messing with” means.  Does Sebastian know that his sister’s boyfriend is fake? Was he suspicious of said boy from the get-go?), and Kath has the answers. But the truth could lose her everything(I get what you’re trying to say here, but I don’t know if that’s actually a phrase).  But if she chooses to tell the truth, she may lose everything.  ( I re-worded it to make her dilemma a little clearer.)

Overall, I LOVE this pitch!  I think your story sounds fascinating, and I really want to read more :)  I think it just needs a little bit more about Sebastian’s motivations, because I’m not sure if he’s just being a protective big brother, or if he knows that Lana’s boyfriend is a fake.  This could also help ramp up the stakes!  Also, are there other consequences to her telling the truth besides losing Sebastian?  And is Lana’s disappearance more sinister than this pitch makes it sound?  I’m not sure if she just popped over for an imaginary day-trip, or if she got kidnapped, etc.

And, as always, my suggestions are completely subjective!  You can change as much or as little as you want!

Here is my re-worked pitch:

Sixteen year-old Kath (last name) is publicly humiliated when her dream date gets stolen by the new girl, Lana.  To get revenge, Kath and her best friend seduce Lana with a fake online guy.  Their plan works – until Kath begins to fall for Lana’s brother, Sebastian – and Lana goes missing.  Supposedly with her new boyfriend.  Sebastian’s determined to discover who’s messing with his little sister, and Kath has the answers.  But if she chooses to tell the truth, she may lose everything. 

10 comments:

  1. Good critique Alex and wonderful pitch Beck.

    This sounds like a real page turner and like Alex said, you have done well setting up the stakes, I am very interested.

    Really the only comment I have, and this is somethig Alex mentioned, is I also didn't know how to take Lana's disappearance. Has she been kidnapped or is she just off somewhere? And you mention that Kath has the answers but does she know only that the online boyfriend is fake, or does she actually know what happened to Lana... Did Kath do something to Lana.

    It may be that you want to leave us with these questions, but it seemed a little unclear for a pitch to me.

    So I am really excited for your final pitch, I can tell this is an interesting plot. Best of luck :)

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    1. I'm so excited for the final pitch too! Thanks for the comment - it's good to know I wasn't the only one with that question :)

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  2. Thanks Alex! And Emilyann too.
    This is so hard but you've given me heaps to think about/work on.
    =)

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    1. No problem! I really hope that was helpful! Good luck :) I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, and let me know if you need anything else!

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    2. P.S. I realize I didn't put this in my original post, BUT if you would like me to look at your re-worked pitch, I would love to keep helping you out!

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  3. Great premise. You set up the reader for a lot of tension with this story. I would like to see you make this a little more concise and streatmline. A little easier to understand. Good luck!

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  4. Have been working on this:

    When 16-year-old Kath McKenny is publicly dumped, taking revenge against the boyfriend-stealing new girl is the only way to save face. Seducing her with a fake online guy seems like the perfect revenge until Kath falls for her victim’s brother. When the new girl goes missing, Kath’s the only one with the answers. But the truth could cost her both her new boyfriend and her deepest secret.

    Thoughts??

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    1. YES YES YES!!! I'm a huge fan of this version :) I will sleep on it to see if there are any nit-picky things, and I'll comment again in the morning if I think of anything else! BUT I think this is pretty solid :)

      Also, if you happen to need a Beta reader, I would like to submit my application, because this story sounds so awesome!

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    2. Oh, also, Sebastian is the name of one of my MCs :P Happy coincidences haha

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